Undeserved Favor

1240090_855814067897200_8729190645228846522_nTechnically, it was Nanay (actually my grandmother) who had a doctor appointment last Saturday. I, on the other hand was really in pain because of my heel. I thought it was just a normal pain but for more than two weeks the pain won’t leave me.

It was Saturday, the doctor does not only accept walk in – you have to make an appointment – he does not accept health card payment during Saturday as well. Despite that, he allowed me only because I am Nanay’s granddaughter. It was really such a favor.

The doctor could have said no, but he didn’t! He was very approachable too and compassionate. He said I have this Achilles tendinitis that reminded me so much of Achilles heel while we were talking. Funny thing was, I have the same gel with Nanay that it lessens my-to-buy-medicines.

It was a day of getting real favor. Nanay bought me Green tea cream frappe after check up and I discovered the wonders of senior citizen discounts which make me excited to be 60. Way to go Ann!!!

It felt like God was using my Nanay that day for me to be reminded to trust Him more whenever I am in doubt. In doubt because, even if I knew the doctor would accept me – not because of my own doing but Nanay’s – I kept on asking “Paano kung hindi? Saang Orthopedic ako?” (What if he won’t accept me? Whose Ortophedic could possibly check on me?)…

To be continued… (I gotta rest! Edit. Revision. Everything will follow. Buuuut I am posting this now…)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Nanay to Tatay: “I never stopped loving you…”

I’m still in awe of what love can do to a person. Love makes people act with compassion. Love tells us to keep no record of wrongs. Love enables someone to stay in love over and over again with the same person regardless — just like my grandparents.

In 1991, Tatay passed away but Nanay’s love for him goes on and on. It is timeless. There has never been a past tense in their love story — only memories; memories that will never fade away.

If the same situation would be given to me I wouldn’t know if I’d be able to survive. Imagine, raising nine children on my own? Seriously? But Nanay is a superwoman so, she, of course was able to accept the challanges she had to face back then. And what made her motivated? The secret? All because of “L-O-V-E.”

There is this song that says, “Love will keep us alive…” and so she conquered things. In reality, both of them didn’t come from a wealthy family but they’re able to keep their heads above the water. They met through a common boss; Tatay was a right hand man (or something like that) and Nanay was a care taker. I don’t know if it was a love at first sight but I tell you what, it was totally a bullet train – things happened too fast (make no mistake, no babies involved). It’s like when they realized they loved each other, they couldn’t wait another minute to start their love story.

I have this line for my future husband, “I haven’t seen you yet but I love you already.” Maybe Nanay has a different version when Tatay passed away, and maybe, just maybe it goes something like this, “I won’t be able to see you anymore but I love you still.”  or better yet maybe this afternoon she whispered, “I never stopped loving you…” Woooo. Mine is about meeting the person while Nanay’s about remembering someone who she couldn’t be with physically. Talking about love, right? When you love someone and I mean really love them it doesn’t matter if they are still beside you or they already went home to our creator; what will matter is how you’re able to use your time during your moments together — memories that will last forever.

So when they decided to start their love story they see to it that it has no ending. Not even death can break them apart. You probably know by now how much I like Serius Black’s line from Harry Potter stating, “The ones that love us never really leave us, we can always find them here in our hearts.” (Been using this line whenever a chance popped out, mostly when I write). I think that’s true. I’m not a Harry Potter fan, I didn’t finish reading nor watching the series but I just love that particular line. I mean, what are you going to do when living isn’t an option anymore? Die too? Of course, death is so painful but everyone has an ending here on earth. It’s just a matter of when. So when the Lord called Tatay home, Tatay made sure that Nanay has their memories to look forward to.

Today, I forgot the date and so I didn’t remember that it’s Tatay’s 81st birthday (my bad!!!). I wasn’t able to go with Nanay and the gang at cementery because I learned about it too late. So at 9:57 PM I started typing (thanks to wordpress app). I was planning to tell a story of what I remember about him but then I ended up talking about love. Why? Because Nanay was so excited to see Tatay’s tomb that she ended up going there one hour prior to the expected time of visit. Had she not changed the time, I could’ve prepared but can I blame love and her? No. How can I blame her for getting excited to see the love of her life? I will never dare. She’s a constant visitor there since 1991 especially during Tatay’s birthday every 21st of May, his death anniversary every 3rd day of August and during all souls day. So I better not tell her to wait when she’s so ready to go.

So I learned today that loving someone for the rest of your life is not just a choice but a commitment. It’s easy to fall in love but every day is a decision to stay in love. Nanay and Tatay’s love for each other is timeless. I know one day they will be together again but hopefully not soon. One day but not today.

And because I am running out of words allow me to use a bible verse to end this, “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.” (Prov. 3:3, NIV)

Nanay is not only faithful but she loves deeply. And when she does, it goes forever.

Happy Birthday Tatay. How are you in heaven? We miss you but please don’t visit us here (I might not know it’s you and I might have a heart attack). See you one day! We love you. Always.

image

Nice I don't have yet the picture of Nanay and Tatay this one will do for now. Nanay with her grandchildren.

My Lola is a living proof that love is timeless – that your better half doesn’t need to be with you physically to keep the love alive. My Lolo has been six feet under for the last 23 years but she always talks about him as if he’s just around the corner listening to her. And frankly, she’s one of the reasons why I believe that marr

I don’t agree with her at times but I understand that she says something because she loves me.

The End

image

It’s a water over the dam and at the same time it’s a water under the bridge. Something that I’ve tucked in inside the far corner of my brain. A memory that so old yet could be so fresh when I allowed it to. And today… I decided to look back and put those days into words. Words that could cut my heart like it was just yesterday but could heal me the moment I stopped thinking about it.

It was a tug-of-war. It had always been between my heart and my brain. I thought when you’re in love everything would just be magical — like fairy tales, it would always have, “and they live happily ever after” and that’s the end. But then, I realized, antagonist were also real. They could be a person or even circumstances and when they got you, you could either have your happy ending or just simply have your “the end.” I didn’t have my “and we live happly ever after,” I just got my THE END.

He was my first love, and as cliche as it could be, “you never forget your first love…” It’s not because you messed up and couldn’t move on but because it’s the first time you felt those jumbled emotions inside you. And it’s the first time you asked yourself, “Is he the one? Please let him be the one…” and then you hoped and prayed about it. And then pray a little harder when things weren’t working.

I wish I could remember how many times I prayed. How many times I plead the Lord to make me steady and more stronger. I wish I wasn’t that weak. I wish I fell in love with the same guy but on different circumstances. I wish, I could still wish. But I tell you what, even if I can, I won’t. I won’t because I don’t think I can.

And here’s the glimpse of my first heart beat and my first heart break.

I wasn’t a bad girl. He wasn’t a bad boy. We had good grades and both of us were in pilot sections. Being in the relationship didn’t drag our grades down. In fact, it actually accelerated our points up. We were in love and it was legal. My parents knew about him. We were happy. I always had butterflies in my stomach and loving him made me shiver but in a good way. I saw lots of imaginary hearts in the sky instead of stars when he’s around.

He was near to perfection. Maybe he was my simple twisted perfection. He had the ability to make me forget all the problems popping out on our way when we were together. He had the power to make me believe everything’s going to be fine. That I shouldn’t worry because he got my back. And when he’s around I knew I could go on and just be happy because I deserved it… I deserved him… we deserved our happiness. When I was with him my twisted feelings went hide and seek and I ended up not minding how twisted our relationship were.

I wish, I was always with him because when I wasn’t the reality got the best of me. Yes, I was happy when I was with him… only when I was with him. And that’s the hardest part.

It was Christmas, I got the best day of the year. Things were getting better. Issues were being settled. Until, someone who’s so important to him texted him saying things that caught me off guard. I wanted to cry. All I wanted to do was to love him, and I knew that he’d do everything for me because he loved me twice as much. But I knew the chips weren’t going to land in its place and one of us must do something about it.

The tug-of-war became more visible. How could I totally be happy and be absolutely sad at the same time? How could be something be so right yet so wrong? One minute I was the princess, another minute I was the damsel in distress and here came another minute and I was the villain. I was the villian – turned out to be the prince’s special someone. Totally messed up. Totally broken.

I wish I could tell everyone what really happened but that would mean naming people and it would hurt the crap out of him. I do not want their identity nor their relationship with him be mentioned to this. They might not liked me and I might not totally liked them either but I loved them. I loved them because he loved them. And I was ready to love important people in his life even if that would mean eating my pride.

Going back, I was emotionally stressed. Verbal words coming from the people who he could have even if I’m out of the picture left the wound so fresh and so big. I tried nursing it, I swear I did but I just couldn’t or it just wouldn’t heal at all. My worries got the best of me. His words were still the same but I couldn’t get things out of my head. I wanted to tell my brain, it’s okay. That everything would be fine. But my heart knew I’m dying inside. I didn’t have the heart to tell him what’s really going on with me. I knew he would try to console me just like what he always did. I wanted heart and flowers and I got those, but then I wanted approval because I was so worn out. I couldn’t hold on anymore.

I thought “You-and-Me-Against-The-World” was just fiction, but it wasn’t. Maybe I should blame my age because I was young and have no idea what to do. Or maybe I should blame people because they said things against us without validation. Or maybe I should blame circumstances for putting us to that situation. Or the universe for spinning against us. Or maybe I just have to blame myself because I was the one that got away.

And then one day he told me we needed a minute. I was so scared. I knew I’ve been thinking of letting him go for good but I just didn’t have the strength to do that. I knew he wouldn’t leave me. I knew he would still find his way back to me because I was his heart. But I wasn’t sure anymore if I could still endure the pain. And I used that time to think. And no matter how hard I pushed my head to find another way to deal with things, one thing kept on playing in my head, “I needed to grow up.”

And growing up means breaking his heart. And I did. I did because I knew one day he’d thank me for breaking his heart. I lied when I told him I was in love with someone else. Lame excused but I said that so he would let me go. I didn’t do that just because I fall out of love, I did what I did because it was the only option I had in mind. I didn’t want to ask him to choose between me and them. I didn’t have the heart to tell him “I love you so I’m letting you go…” because I would just give him another reason to fight and I couldn’t fight anymore because I was so broken and I needed to heal. I didn’t want to see him after the break up because I knew even if I was wearing my poker face that if he tried harder to get me back I would end up agreeing with him. And I just couldn’t… I just couldn’t because I loved him pretty much that it hurts big time to stay with him. I was so mad because I had to do those painful stuffs.

Asking him to wait for me didn’t cross my mind since I didn’t know where my growing up thing would lead me. I needed him to stop babying me. I needed him to tell me I was wrong and deal with it not do the other way around. I needed the pain to go away. I needed my own dose of medicines and I needed him to stop giving me pain relievers. I needed to get up on my own. I just needed those things even if I never wanted to be away from him. I never wanted that, I just needed them.

And for the record, breaking his heart was not the last thing I wanted to do in this world. It was something not in my to-do list. Maybe given other circumstances, I could’ve stayed. But that’s the thing, I wasn’t given something else… only that.

When he was crying, I was crying harder. I broke someone’s heart, how could I even feel better then? How could I be happy when someone was suffering because of me? And how could I even console his heart when I didn’t know how to mend mine? Probably I was stupid. Maybe I was the one that got away and at the same time I was the one who pushed him away. But looking back to those days, I realized it made us a better person. It lead him to someone else and he’s happy. And it’s more than enough.

Well, my first heart beat was full of love and I’m glad I experienced that kind of love. My first heart break killed me slowly and then hit my core so bad I couldn’t see straight, but I guess, pain was there to remind me I loved true. And then, I realized I was quoting, “Sometimes people fall in love with each other but not meant to be together forever…” which could be true or not true.

To make things shorter, I didn’t get my happy ending but sure, I got my happiness in between before I got my… “The End.”

Beyond The Word Best

image

Some of my photos with the birthday girl.

Dear Reena,

Just because you’re not part of the original Best Company doesn’t mean we value you less. While it is true that you came after highschool, it is also true… without a doubt that what we have is real! People may always say they are original but can they prove that they are aunthentic? It’s not who was there when we established Best Company… it’s more on who stayed and proved that this friendship will always be worth something… that it’s worth fighting for no matter how difficult things may be, and that it can go beyond the distance when everyone gets busy. That it can survive because the idea of us falling apart is too scary…

And if it’s still not clear, I don’t care what term of endearment we have… what I value more is who we are. I believe that Mighty, Rose and Patty will agree with me that our hang outs will never be the same without you. So I suggest that you take that idea away from your brain. Or I’ll go make some surgery so I can remove that idea inside your head.

Happy Birthday Reena! Let’s make our dreams come true. And I pray that our good Lord will continue to use you in ways unimaginable. Great things will still come along your way because you’re destined to receive them. And I may not know why Mr-God’s-Gift is taking so long but I’m sure he’s on his way… he’s preparing right words to say when it is time to see you face to face.

I love you Reena! Enjoy your day.

*Hugs*
With Love, Ann

A Good Man Never Dies He Just Says Goodbye

Image

Today is Grandpa’s 80th birthday. He passed away due to kidney problem and body complications about 22 years ago. All of his grandchildren address him as Tatay instead of Lolo (Father instead of Grandpa), because we mimic our parents and that is how our parents address him.

To give you a background, my older sister and I are the luckiest grandchildren because Tatay was able to hug, kiss and take good care of us. He was there when we were born and he was present during our first birthday. That is why my sister and I have photos with him.

Honestly, I don’t remember anything about Lolo because I was less than 2 years old when he died. All I know is that he is a good man. No wonder that he’s truly a good man because Nanay (mother but actually my Grandma) never thought of marrying someone else after Tatay died. She would tell us how lucky she was for having Tatay and for having nine kids with him.

I grew up going to cemetery yearly especially during his birthday, death anniversary, Nanay and Tatay’s wedding anniversary and all souls day. And you wouldn’t believe it but we love going there because Nanay would bring a lot of food while my Aunties and Uncles would buy pizza or anything we want during all souls day. But of course, we love to be there because we know that Nanay despite the long years still misses her husband. And among us, she knows Tatay inside out.

In my blog, “A Miracle Baby, A Wonderful Little Big Man” I stated there that my brother was born as we remember Tatay’s 8th years death anniversary. So even he’s no longer with us we still celebrate his life through my brother’s birthday.

Now, I just want to say “Happy Birthday Tatay and we love you so much” you are such a lucky man because your wife, kids and your grandchildren love you genuinely. We’ve heard a lot of stories about you and how wonderful you are. I just hope that you are still here because no words can define how much Nanay misses you… everyday!

We are celebrating your birthday! I am sending you big hugs across the miles Tatay! You will never be forgotten because “A Good Man Never Dies He Just Says Goodbye…” You are here, inside our head and inside our heart!

Adam & Eve: Partners not Playmates

“Eve was not taken out of Adam’s head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him and near his heart to be loved by him.” —-Matthew Henry’s commentary on Genesis.

Matthew Henry’s commentary on Genesis sums up the core responsibility of men to women. Sadly, today several men have forgotten how it is to be a man—-their roles, responsibilities and values.

The world taught us that women are now equal to men, thus men at some point see women as their opponent instead of as their partner. There are some relationships wherein if the woman gets higher income, it turned out to be a big slap on her boyfriend or husband’s face. Where in fact, he should be rejoicing and cheering for her. Isn’t that the guy should be tapping her back while saying, “Good job Honey!” (or whatever terms of endearment you want to address your significant other)  instead of competing with her salary and making a big deal out of it?

Having a higher income does not mean she would be your boss and would top you. Remember ‘Eve is not taken out of Adam’s head to top him…’ so relax. Why worry knowing that among the foundations of a good relationship are love, trust respect and not money. I don’t even remember that money is a prerequisite to enter a relationship.

Moving on, I wonder why there are some battered-wives. Girls are not punching bags for whatever sake boys! In the heat of an argument, a man should take off his hands away from his partner especially when he intends to hurt her. Your hands should wipe girls tears not beat her! And yes, she’s not even your maid to be trampled. Oh wait; even servants should be treated fairly. There are now existing laws about that. Gone are the days when rulers can just hit their servants anytime. So move on, today is 2013! Again, remember, ‘Eve was not taken out of Adam’s feet to be trampled by him…’ so why act that way?

image

And… this is not written above but it is important to note that Eve (Woman) and Adam (Man) are partners not playmates. They are made to care for each other not to beat one another or play with each other’s hearts. The adage, “There is one woman for every man” is still true and should remain both in our hearts and minds. Stop playing ‘enie-minie-mini-mo’ game among women when you can’t decide which is which or who is who. Do not play with somebody’s heart! Do not even dare to play fire because eventually it can burn you…alive! And feeling sorry afterwards may be… well… usually too late!

Fine, I understand that we, women have a role to play too—- a role that should look after the welfare of our man. Just like the old saying, “It takes two to tango” so it is essential that lovers should complement and guide each other along the way. Because the truth is, ‘Eve was taken out of Adam’s side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him and near his heart to be loved by him’. —-Matthew Henry