Lately I’ve been reading tearjerker books and it suddenly hit me when a character from Fighting Redemption by Kate McCarthy died. That book made me cry – real bad. The truth is, I normally get carried away while reading so it’s really normal for me to suffer from a book hangover after finishing something good especially when it made me cry.
To make it short, I was recommending the book to my two friends and I was giving them the gist of the story when I suddenly remembered the upcoming death anniversary of Daniel Rivera Noga. He was my high school friend. He was one of the few real ones who got my back during fourth year but that’s another story to tell.
As I was saying he was my friend. And to make it clear he was my only close friend who’s no longer walking on earth. He passed away five years ago. Last year, I wrote about how I learned his death through Dennis’ phone call. A call that took my breath away. A call that shook me from inside out.
I’m not going to lie here, it’s not every day that Daniel would flash in my head. Every now and then I remember him but not every single day. Sure I can tell you that I recollect thoughts about him from time to time since I am claiming that he’s one of my close friends but what’s the point? Would it make him breath again? I highly doubt it. So I’m not in the business of claiming things I don’t do let alone lie about it.
So what’s the deal? Nothing really, I am just trying to write my thoughts down. No, scratch that, I guess I am writing for Dennis (Dennis Datumanong who happened to be Daniel’s best friend who’s also my guy best friend) Yeah. There I said it. This one is in memory of Daniel but also for Dennis’ emotional stability (Oh. Talking about emotional mess every time of this year).
I don’t miss Daniel anymore. Does it make me a bad friend for saying what’s on my head? Don’t get me wrong I miss how he was. I still feel sad when I think of him but I am not in pain anymore. Truth is, when I learned about his sudden death my heart was ripped into two and he left it ripped out because he wasn’t alive anymore to help me put it back together. I lost a part of me in Infanta and that part was buried six feet under with him. He was in my heart. He still here in my heart. Five years ago I tucked his memory into the far corner of my heart where no one, and I mean NO ONE can ever take it away from me. He owns that place. Maybe, just maybe… the underlying reason why I don’t miss him anymore is because he’s been inside my heart and I don’t need to worry that in a snap I might forget who he was. In that place he’s safe — forever.
I guess our heart is not capable of kicking old people out just to give place to new acquaintances. Our heart doesn’t work that way. I guess the good thing about having a heart is that, it expands. It gives more room to people in order for us to accomodate them. Allowing us to keep the old ones as we let in the new deserving people. That’s how our heart works. It always provides space for everyone that matters to us.
Losing your best friend is painful. Just the mere thought of me losing Patty would not only shatter my heart into billion pieces and I know… I totally know that I would never be the same again. So putting myself into Dennis shoes, I bet that when he lost Daniel, it was like a turnado hit him, he couldn’t see straight. He was a mess. I also said earlier that this is for Dennis. Why, you asked? Simple. He loved remembering Daniel and these are my thoughts about his best friend; a friend who once upon a time made me laugh like there’s no tomorrow, made me mad because he annoyed the crap out of me and most especially made me talk about God because he wanted to share the same thing with me.
I once read that pain is inevitable because it demands to be felt. Death is no joke. When somebody’s heart finally stopped beating, that’s it. You cannot go backward because it’s past. You can only visit your past through memories and that’s what I have with Daniel. His memories.
Honestly, I didn’t plan to write anything about Daniel for this year. When I wrote something about him last year entitled Even Just For Today, I thought that was it. After all, what’s more there to write? Well I was wrong, Fighting Redemption made me do it. As I was saying earlier, a character died there. It was Jake who died and he was funny and cool just like Daniel. One of the people he left behind was a best friend named Ryan who remembered Jake from time to time which reminds me of Dennis. So that book was a tearjerker and it pushed me to write what I have in mind.
My emotions are all over the place as I am typing all of these. Why? Because no matter what I say, he’s not coming back. And once again, I’m sad. I’m sad because I wish I’m not writing things about him (about YOU Daniel) in past tense. But hey, the memories are still alive thus making the sadness go away.
I’ll stop here for simple reason, there are things better left unsaid because at this very moment I just want to curl in my bed and pray for Daniel.
P.S. You’re still in our heart!!!