It’s a water over the dam and at the same time it’s a water under the bridge. Something that I’ve tucked in inside the far corner of my brain. A memory that so old yet could be so fresh when I allowed it to. And today… I decided to look back and put those days into words. Words that could cut my heart like it was just yesterday but could heal me the moment I stopped thinking about it.
It was a tug-of-war. It had always been between my heart and my brain. I thought when you’re in love everything would just be magical — like fairy tales, it would always have, “and they live happily ever after” and that’s the end. But then, I realized, antagonist were also real. They could be a person or even circumstances and when they got you, you could either have your happy ending or just simply have your “the end.” I didn’t have my “and we live happly ever after,” I just got my THE END.
He was my first love, and as cliche as it could be, “you never forget your first love…” It’s not because you messed up and couldn’t move on but because it’s the first time you felt those jumbled emotions inside you. And it’s the first time you asked yourself, “Is he the one? Please let him be the one…” and then you hoped and prayed about it. And then pray a little harder when things weren’t working.
I wish I could remember how many times I prayed. How many times I plead the Lord to make me steady and more stronger. I wish I wasn’t that weak. I wish I fell in love with the same guy but on different circumstances. I wish, I could still wish. But I tell you what, even if I can, I won’t. I won’t because I don’t think I can.
And here’s the glimpse of my first heart beat and my first heart break.
I wasn’t a bad girl. He wasn’t a bad boy. We had good grades and both of us were in pilot sections. Being in the relationship didn’t drag our grades down. In fact, it actually accelerated our points up. We were in love and it was legal. My parents knew about him. We were happy. I always had butterflies in my stomach and loving him made me shiver but in a good way. I saw lots of imaginary hearts in the sky instead of stars when he’s around.
He was near to perfection. Maybe he was my simple twisted perfection. He had the ability to make me forget all the problems popping out on our way when we were together. He had the power to make me believe everything’s going to be fine. That I shouldn’t worry because he got my back. And when he’s around I knew I could go on and just be happy because I deserved it… I deserved him… we deserved our happiness. When I was with him my twisted feelings went hide and seek and I ended up not minding how twisted our relationship were.
I wish, I was always with him because when I wasn’t the reality got the best of me. Yes, I was happy when I was with him… only when I was with him. And that’s the hardest part.
It was Christmas, I got the best day of the year. Things were getting better. Issues were being settled. Until, someone who’s so important to him texted him saying things that caught me off guard. I wanted to cry. All I wanted to do was to love him, and I knew that he’d do everything for me because he loved me twice as much. But I knew the chips weren’t going to land in its place and one of us must do something about it.
The tug-of-war became more visible. How could I totally be happy and be absolutely sad at the same time? How could be something be so right yet so wrong? One minute I was the princess, another minute I was the damsel in distress and here came another minute and I was the villain. I was the villian – turned out to be the prince’s special someone. Totally messed up. Totally broken.
I wish I could tell everyone what really happened but that would mean naming people and it would hurt the crap out of him. I do not want their identity nor their relationship with him be mentioned to this. They might not liked me and I might not totally liked them either but I loved them. I loved them because he loved them. And I was ready to love important people in his life even if that would mean eating my pride.
Going back, I was emotionally stressed. Verbal words coming from the people who he could have even if I’m out of the picture left the wound so fresh and so big. I tried nursing it, I swear I did but I just couldn’t or it just wouldn’t heal at all. My worries got the best of me. His words were still the same but I couldn’t get things out of my head. I wanted to tell my brain, it’s okay. That everything would be fine. But my heart knew I’m dying inside. I didn’t have the heart to tell him what’s really going on with me. I knew he would try to console me just like what he always did. I wanted heart and flowers and I got those, but then I wanted approval because I was so worn out. I couldn’t hold on anymore.
I thought “You-and-Me-Against-The-World” was just fiction, but it wasn’t. Maybe I should blame my age because I was young and have no idea what to do. Or maybe I should blame people because they said things against us without validation. Or maybe I should blame circumstances for putting us to that situation. Or the universe for spinning against us. Or maybe I just have to blame myself because I was the one that got away.
And then one day he told me we needed a minute. I was so scared. I knew I’ve been thinking of letting him go for good but I just didn’t have the strength to do that. I knew he wouldn’t leave me. I knew he would still find his way back to me because I was his heart. But I wasn’t sure anymore if I could still endure the pain. And I used that time to think. And no matter how hard I pushed my head to find another way to deal with things, one thing kept on playing in my head, “I needed to grow up.”
And growing up means breaking his heart. And I did. I did because I knew one day he’d thank me for breaking his heart. I lied when I told him I was in love with someone else. Lame excused but I said that so he would let me go. I didn’t do that just because I fall out of love, I did what I did because it was the only option I had in mind. I didn’t want to ask him to choose between me and them. I didn’t have the heart to tell him “I love you so I’m letting you go…” because I would just give him another reason to fight and I couldn’t fight anymore because I was so broken and I needed to heal. I didn’t want to see him after the break up because I knew even if I was wearing my poker face that if he tried harder to get me back I would end up agreeing with him. And I just couldn’t… I just couldn’t because I loved him pretty much that it hurts big time to stay with him. I was so mad because I had to do those painful stuffs.
Asking him to wait for me didn’t cross my mind since I didn’t know where my growing up thing would lead me. I needed him to stop babying me. I needed him to tell me I was wrong and deal with it not do the other way around. I needed the pain to go away. I needed my own dose of medicines and I needed him to stop giving me pain relievers. I needed to get up on my own. I just needed those things even if I never wanted to be away from him. I never wanted that, I just needed them.
And for the record, breaking his heart was not the last thing I wanted to do in this world. It was something not in my to-do list. Maybe given other circumstances, I could’ve stayed. But that’s the thing, I wasn’t given something else… only that.
When he was crying, I was crying harder. I broke someone’s heart, how could I even feel better then? How could I be happy when someone was suffering because of me? And how could I even console his heart when I didn’t know how to mend mine? Probably I was stupid. Maybe I was the one that got away and at the same time I was the one who pushed him away. But looking back to those days, I realized it made us a better person. It lead him to someone else and he’s happy. And it’s more than enough.
Well, my first heart beat was full of love and I’m glad I experienced that kind of love. My first heart break killed me slowly and then hit my core so bad I couldn’t see straight, but I guess, pain was there to remind me I loved true. And then, I realized I was quoting, “Sometimes people fall in love with each other but not meant to be together forever…” which could be true or not true.
To make things shorter, I didn’t get my happy ending but sure, I got my happiness in between before I got my… “The End.”